Dull Election Results Spur Bipartisan Hollywood Hire

Washington, DC – The resolution of the 2012 presidential election prior to midnight on election day has resulted in bipartisan support of hiring a Hollywood director for 2016.

“The public has come to expect The Day After Tomorrow type panic from voting in the past three presidential elections,” reported famed campaign strategist/financer Don T Matterwhowins. “If we don’t provide that level of adrenalin rush, the donations will go down. The riches spent on advertising will decrease. The media stations will make less money. It will lead to an economic collapse of the entertainment industry.”

Prez Boo-Boo and VP Romney

This picture was disturbingly easy to find.

The lack of a volatile recount, doomsday prophecies, and a hostile take-over of a congressional majority has caused the price of advertising times in many media outlets to plummet. The negative impact this calm reelection of Obama has had on the economy is reflected in the stock market, with worse to possibly follow. Since one of the top exports of the United States is entertainment, some industry experts fear that the lack of commercial profit nationally could cause a vacuum in revenue that could collapse the thin, puffed up, dollars of Hollywood.

“Short of a miracle like Malia Obama getting pregnant with Boehner’s love child and labeling their offspring the antichrist, this election has been a total profit loss,” stated Matterwhowins. “Thank God for the marijuana and gay marriage. Those should keep a roof over my head until Honey Boo Boo is old enough to run for president.”

Concerns about the potential revenue loss for the entertainment industry has spurred an across the isle, bipartisan approach to the 2016

Blue Cat Obama

He’s hiding the Unobtainium! And the oil! And the birth certificate!

campaigns, Matterwhowins confirmed. James Cameron has been fingered as a possible plot-director for the future elections.

“Revenue would go through the roof if we could offer blue cat-people in 3-D. It is the American way, and could save our economy,” Matterwhowins said. “Cameron would be

great! We should all keep our eyes peeled for the previews.”

DC Area Election Results:

DC   VA   MD

Pro-Islam Movie Incites No Acts of Kindness

HOLLYWOOD, Ca. – A new fictitious movie entitled Why the US Loves Islam has not received the Middle Eastern accolades it hoped for.

“We were hoping some Uncle Sam effigies would be marched around with people throwing flowers at them,” said director, writer and star in the film Chaim Weitz, “or at least some baklava delivered to the embassies, but nothing. We got nothing at all.”

Weitz was hoping to temper some of the violent reactions towards the low-budget anti-Islam film that sparked violent protests throughout the Middle East. “It appears that the Muslim extremist are only willing to be extremely violent, never extremely loving towards us,” Weitz stated.

Just like the Anti-Islam film, Why the US Loves Islam was poorly made and seen by no one in the United   States.

Almost Celebratory Uncle Sam Effigy

Almost Celebratory Uncle Sam Effigy

Other Movie Themed Operations More Successful than Fast and Furious

WASHINGTON, DC – The Bureau of Tobacco Firearms and Explosives announced that although the Fast and Furious gun-tracking operation succeeded only in supplying firearms to criminals, other movie themed operations have been much more successful.

“Lethal Weapon, where we pair up good agents with bad agents and ignore their shenanigans from afar has been much more successful,” BATF official John Deere reported. “The only loss of life is within an acceptable collateral range of extra agents and female love-interests. The top-secret Die Hard operation has resulted in several building explosions, but out good guys always escape unscathed. “

Deere reported that the BATF believe that what went wrong with the Fast and Furious Operation is that the heroes in its namesake movie are criminals. “This obviously gave the bad guys an undo advantage,” Deere said.

Tea Party Suggest New Foreign Policy: Eradicate the Middle East

Michael Bachman

Michael Bachman Geting Christian with a Flower

Amid the political jousting of the presidential nominees over recent Middles Eastern anti-American protests, a Tea Party spokesperson suggested that eradicating the Middle East as a possible solution.

“First, we evacuate the good guys, the A-mure-i-kans,” said spokesperson Michael Bachman, “then we just nuke the whole joint and let the Jews move in and fill in the crater with their Jew gold. Bam! Problem solved.”

Michael Bachman, who reported he considers himself the most Christian among Christian men, said this would action would be a very Christian thing to do because it would facilitate the coming of the rapture.

“We get the Arabs out, get sucked up into heaven, and then the Jews can stay behind polishing their gold with the demons and what-not. It’s a solid plan.”

Bachman expressed concerns the Tea Party has that a Mormon President could due such a Christian act, but added that it was more likely to occur with a Mormon President would than a Muslim one.

Redskins Ignore Rumors that RG III is a Robot

NEW   ORLEANS – Reports of Robert Griffin III actually being an android have been adamantly denied by the Redskins camp. Rumors about the source of his mechanical methods began stirring during preseason when an anonymous source contacted the NFL with concerns that RG III requested a locker near an electrical outlet and was fond of motor oil. The source again contacted This DC Paper after RG III threw an 88 yard pass for his first official NFL score.

 “I mean doesn’t that seem pre-programmed or something?” This DC Paper’s source queried over pork rinds. “Doesn’t he just seem like an upgrade from Rex Grossman III? Like they rewired him and painted him black?”

 The NFL has no official policy against androids playing. The Redskins declined to comment.

 

Elves Support Romney

Is this elf Republican??During the lag time between the Republican and Democratic National conventions, the Elf Union of the North Pole announced their support of Mitt Romney for president. Spokeself Ben T. Oymakin presented the reasoning of the ice-cap’s largest and only influential union in a statement to the press:

“The EUNP supports the GOP and their support of the coal mining industry. Without coal, there would be a shortage of what to give bad children at Christmas. Given the fact that most of the world’s children are bad, this shortage would lead to elves having to mine the coal. Mining coal looks like a horrible job. Therefore, if Obama is re-elected then we shall strike and the Democrats will have ruined Christmas.”

Inquires from This DC Paper to EUNP regarding the fact that the North Pole is not a part of the United States was not responded to.

Occupy North Pole

Area Businesses Afffected By Elf Strike:

Christmas Attic

Creepy Santas

Presidential Canidate

Area Woman: Cult Enthusiast

Where the fuck's the photo?

Ilene Tocrazy Looking Sexy

ALEXANDRIA, Va. – Local woman Ilene Tocrazy, 30, recently spoke to This DC Paper about her expanding activities as a multi-cultist.

“I was far too lazy to go to the gym or read a self-help book,” explained Tocrazy, “so I thought I’d take it easy on myself and go the easy route: let others think for me!”

The divorcee explained that after she was no longer expected to support, explain or quietly stand beside her ex-husband’s opinions there was a “wooshing noise” where her personality was supposed to be.

“I shared some of the basic concepts he had about life at one point or another, but really after I quit my multi-million-dollar-a-year dramamine habit I was forced to face the fact that most of his ideas were just plain bad.”

Tocrazy began her cult behavior by joining Dramamine Anonymous, which in turn put her touch Handsome Charles Mansonwith religious zealots who write Charles Manson in daily confession, and vegans who chant “cows-are-people-too” in Sanskrit.

“The chanting has been really amazing. I don’t have to think at all and I’m doing something!”

Eventually Tocrazy is interested in starting her own cult, but feels that there is still much research to be done.

“I am looking forward to finding a peaceful community to release some of my aggression with. I’m thinking I’d like to find a group that supports chicken sacrifice or smearing goat’s blood.”

Tocrazy has been collecting various cults memorabilia, such as Dramamine boxes and a jellybean mosaic of Manson, which are now on display in the Public Library.

DC Area Cults of Interest:

Romney's Pet Elephant

Obama's Pet Donkey

A Giant Fucking flower

Marion Barry

Nothing posted here is serious, if you think it is it is your own stupid fault.

This DC Paper does not endorse addictive behaviors of any kind: cult, dramamine or otherwise.

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