Category Archives: Uncategorized

Crap for Crapo

This DC Paper would like to formally offer condolences for Senator Crapo (R-ID) who apparently got arrested for a DUI in Alexandria, VA, the first time he ever drank. After all, Crapo has claimed abstinence from alcohol in coherence with his church, the Church of Latter Day Saints. Perhaps this is a direct result of the senator having joined a gang, the Gang of Eight to be exact. Whatever the cause, it is rough to get arrested in Virginia becuse of it’s strict alcohol laws. It’s OK, this surely won’t make Crapo’s career less anti-gay, as in anti-other’s-happiness . . .

Crapo and some Dude who says to forgive him

Crapo and some Dude who says to forgive him

 

Santa Shot Down by Armed School Children

SOMEWHERE, Tx. –  The NORAD Santa Tracker reports that they lost track of Santa’s Sleigh around 4:13 Christmas morning, Central Time. Around the same time it is reported by an undisclosed source that a fat, jolly man was admitted to an Emergency Department in Somewhere, Texas, for multiple gunshot wounds by a high power rifle.

The Intruder Remains Unidentified

The Intruder Remains Unidentified

“It is hard to say how much blood was lost,” reported a hospital spokesperson, “because the man was wearing all red.”

The police reports that a man was clamoring down a chimney when a few armed siblings, all of schookl-age, apprehended the trespasser with their  F-2000 assault rifles. A tragic Christmas day robbery was clearly narrowly avoided.

The gun-shot survivor remains unidentified at this time.

NRA Proposes Arming School Children

WASHINGTON, DC –  In an attempt to pacify the outrage against the National Rifle Ass.’s proposed armed guards in schools, a spokesperson expounded upon the gun-lobby’s stance to include gun-toting toddlers.

Look, a gun is a tool. The problem is the criminal,” stated the spokesperson. “And who is less criminal than sweet children?”

An Armed After-School Activity while Parent's Work

An Armed After-School Activity while Parent’s Work

The NRAss.’s new plan would include early ammo education, after-school quick-draw programs, and target practice included in Physical Education.

“Think of it as that Home Economics project with the egg-as-a-baby that’s used to scare kids away from sex,” continued the spokesperson, “only with bullets. Plus this will weed out the bad ones early, shortening the life-span of potential mass shooters in the future. The other children will turn on the crazy one just like they did Piggy in Lord of the Flies. Evil, fat, Piggy . . .”

Texas and Mississippi have already begun drawing plans as how to implement the “Fun-Gun” program. Other Red states are expected to follow suit.

Worst Marketing Decision Ever

Christmas Tree made of Bullets

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me . . .

 

On Friday, Dec 14, the editors of our fine publication found this in their mailbox. Not shocking since Cabelas donates a lot to the NRA. Needless to say that all sales are final.

Senator’s Son Helps Young Lady Obtain Face Lift

Washington, DC –  The young lady whose face was beaten in by her boyfriend outside a city bar has been identified as the girlfriend of  the son of Virginia Senator Jam Moron, aka, Moron Jr.

“At first I was horrified,” reported a first responder to the scene, where Moron Jr beat in the face of his girlfriend with the help of a metal trashcan. “She appeared to have a cracked skull and

Moron Jr looking like a douche

Moron Jr looking like a douche

a fractured orbital . . . I realized it was Moron Jr’s girlfriend! What a good guy, getting his girl a manadotry surgical face lift for the holidays.”

Moron’s Jr’s girl will likely start the new year with a whole new look, a new face. She won’t even recognize herself in the mirror. As for Senator Jam Moron, he modestly stated to the press that his boy and the young lady are “both good kids” rather than take any credit for raising such a gracious young man as Moron Jr.

This story is definitely a holiday tear jerker as it appears the sweet hero Moron Jr will be forced to plead guilty to minimal charges and take an even more minimal punishment. Just goes to show that no good action can go unpunished, and no bad action won’t receive reward, if you’re the son of a Senator.

Pope Opens New Sexting Account and Tweeting War

 

Pope Bendadick Stroking an Altar Pad

Pope Bendadick Stroking an Altar Pad

Pope Bendadick XVI’s office announced today that the papacy will be entering the youth filled forum of social media on Tweeter. “His Holiness excited to be able to touch so many young Catholics,” the Vatican stated. “There are so very many supple, young minds the Bendadick wants to touch.”

 Israel warmly welcomed the Pope to social media. Needless to say the Pope received a much warmer greeting than Hamas, to whom Israel issued a warning which Time magazine hails as the “first armed conflict that was declared via social media.”

Apparently Tweeter Wars aren’t just for annoying socialites any more.

Dylan Fans Beg Artist to Stop Exploiting Himself

Washington, DC – Song-master Bob Dylan graced the stage of the VerizonCenter last evening on his tour promoting his new album Tempest. Area fans remain grateful that only two songs from the new gravelly album were played, but their joy was overshadowed by concerns for the artist’s health.

“I mean, of course he sounded awful,” reported fan and audience member Avery Oldlady. “But when he let out a ‘HURR’ instead of ‘hair’ in Tangled up in Blue, I seriously thought he was going to die right in front of my grandchildren I dragged there with me.”

Many of the artist’s set left fans concerned throughout the show. A Hard Rain’s A-Gonna Fall was taken as a weather complaint. Highway 61 Revisitedwas heard as “Call

Bob Dylan Then and Now

Bob Dylan may find a successful second career in an anti-smoking campaign

911.”  The famous chorus of Ballad of a Thin Man (“Something is happening here, but you don’t know what it is”) was interpreted as geriatric confusion by the singer. “How does it feel?” in Like a Rolling Stone left audience members concerned the musician had lost feelings in an extremity, a thought further complicated by the right-leg lifting Dylan repeated like a disabled dancer, and feared their folk-rock hero was having a stroke.

“I mean, I am sure they took precautions and that all those talented, strapping young musician men around Bob knew CPR,” Avery stated. “But by the time we were applauding for an encore, I found myself calling out ‘We love you Dylan! But it’s ok if it’s nappy time!’ I mean, the guy has to retire sometime. We’re exploiting an old man.”

Others reported that although the band and singer rarely seemed to be playing the same tune, Dylan had some strong vocal moments like that in Blowin in the Wind, which was played in encore and made the audience suspect that motherfucker could sing the whole time. All present agreed that they hoped Bob Dylan continued to sing, perform and live forever.

Crack-Heads Excited for DC School Closings

Washington, DC – The recent plan put forth by DC Public School Chancellor Kaya Henderson to close 20 public schools has found unprecedented support from the Real Union of Crack Kulture (RUCK), an international organization for crack enthusiasts.

“We of RUCK believe in the perseverance of abandoned buildings for the proliferation of crack culture,” stated Ichabod Scratch, RUCK spokesperson. “Abandoned buildings are

Marion Barry Crack Jokes Always Funny

No, Marion, you will never live it down

the cornerstone for the dissemination of our culture in the form of crack homes.”

When asked about concerns for the education of the future children of the District of Columbia Scratch responded “Can they use a lighter?”

Sudden Increase in Army Recruits

Posting the Post

Ok Punsters, we get it . . .

Washington, DC  – The U.S. Army reports a sudden upsurge in applicants for enlisted positions. This DC Paper  went on-location outside an area recruitment station to ask the recruits what ignited this new blaze of patriotism.

“I don’t know about the Patriots. I’m a Cowboysfan,” responded one newly enlisted gentleman Marty Pantz, 18. “But I know those generals get some ass! Even when they’re all

Perhaps a More Qualified Source

How has no one posted a pic of Petraeus as a porn star yet?

old’n’shit. That Betrayus dude, he’s like a Porn Star. Five of my buddy’s are signing up too! Word.”

When asked for comment, local recruiters requested that our reporters “Please go away.”  This same statement is yelled by This DC Paper’s  editors every time the recent sex scandal is again brought up as  a headline more important than the economy, which occurs every second of every day. Our editors desperately need throat lozenges.

 

Romney Supporters Responsible for Viscous Attacks

Alexandria, VA –  “It was like something out of a zombie movie,” reported Libby Eral from under the blankets on her couch. “They just kept slowly advancing, until I was

Zombie Campaign

Zombie Campaign

surrounded in the parking lot. They were like zombies, out to eat my brain and make it into themselves . . . “ Eral trailed off and hid under her blankets.

Libby Eral is a recent victim in a string of attacks by Romney supports on area Democrats, according to neuro-psychiatrist  Dr. I. N. Dependent, MD.

“These attacks appear to arise from an over stimulation of the sympathetic nervous system,” said Dr. Dependent. “The incredibly poor campaigns that the Republicans ran has caused their devotees to deteriorate into a hyper-epinephrine induced state of fight or flight, which is acted out by attacking nearest liberals with terms like ‘Baby Killers’ and phrases like ‘Why do you want Obama to take all my money?’ Making it evident that their ability for intelligent discourse has been disabled and therefore zombie-like in their behaviors.”

Eral’s experience reflected Dr. Dependent’s descriptions.

“My friend Bernard just kept saying women should be forced to prove it was rape to have an abortion, or get sewn shut,” Eral shuddered.  “And that men giving men blow jobs is evil, and that 75% of the country was going to hell . . . It was so confusing. We has just left church. They circled me in the parking lot . . . doesn’t God decide who goes to hell? Does Bernard get texts from God? Is Bernard hallucinating texts from God?”

Dr. Dependent concurred that it was possible Bernard was hallucinating. “This panicked state of the Republican electorate resembles Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), which can cause visual and auditory hallucinations. Of course, Libby Eral’s behavior of hiding also suggests PTSD. The sharp political divide across the country makes it likely that soon at least 75% of the country will have PTSD, whether or not they do spend eternity in a pit of fire and brimstone.”

Zombie Romney

Ground Zero for Zombie Romney Outbreak

The doctor warned Democrats to be especially careful in churches, 12-step programs, or anywhere else that professes spirituality. “Since the base nature of spirituality is hope, and the Republicans have little currency in that department, conservatives tend to get extra vicious after being reminded of how hopeless the last election made their political goals,” he explained. He went on to recommend Green Party and Socialist Party members stay inside until House Speaker Boehner soothes the GOP with his tears.

When asked how he voted in the last presidential election, Dr Dependent replied, “Are you crazy? I have no desire to be a zombie or zombie food. I’m not fucking answering that.”