Monthly Archives: December 2012

Crap for Crapo

This DC Paper would like to formally offer condolences for Senator Crapo (R-ID) who apparently got arrested for a DUI in Alexandria, VA, the first time he ever drank. After all, Crapo has claimed abstinence from alcohol in coherence with his church, the Church of Latter Day Saints. Perhaps this is a direct result of the senator having joined a gang, the Gang of Eight to be exact. Whatever the cause, it is rough to get arrested in Virginia becuse of it’s strict alcohol laws. It’s OK, this surely won’t make Crapo’s career less anti-gay, as in anti-other’s-happiness . . .

Crapo and some Dude who says to forgive him

Crapo and some Dude who says to forgive him

 

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Santa Shot Down by Armed School Children

SOMEWHERE, Tx. –  The NORAD Santa Tracker reports that they lost track of Santa’s Sleigh around 4:13 Christmas morning, Central Time. Around the same time it is reported by an undisclosed source that a fat, jolly man was admitted to an Emergency Department in Somewhere, Texas, for multiple gunshot wounds by a high power rifle.

The Intruder Remains Unidentified

The Intruder Remains Unidentified

“It is hard to say how much blood was lost,” reported a hospital spokesperson, “because the man was wearing all red.”

The police reports that a man was clamoring down a chimney when a few armed siblings, all of schookl-age, apprehended the trespasser with their  F-2000 assault rifles. A tragic Christmas day robbery was clearly narrowly avoided.

The gun-shot survivor remains unidentified at this time.

NRA Proposes Arming School Children

WASHINGTON, DC –  In an attempt to pacify the outrage against the National Rifle Ass.’s proposed armed guards in schools, a spokesperson expounded upon the gun-lobby’s stance to include gun-toting toddlers.

Look, a gun is a tool. The problem is the criminal,” stated the spokesperson. “And who is less criminal than sweet children?”

An Armed After-School Activity while Parent's Work

An Armed After-School Activity while Parent’s Work

The NRAss.’s new plan would include early ammo education, after-school quick-draw programs, and target practice included in Physical Education.

“Think of it as that Home Economics project with the egg-as-a-baby that’s used to scare kids away from sex,” continued the spokesperson, “only with bullets. Plus this will weed out the bad ones early, shortening the life-span of potential mass shooters in the future. The other children will turn on the crazy one just like they did Piggy in Lord of the Flies. Evil, fat, Piggy . . .”

Texas and Mississippi have already begun drawing plans as how to implement the “Fun-Gun” program. Other Red states are expected to follow suit.

Worst Marketing Decision Ever

Christmas Tree made of Bullets

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me . . .

 

On Friday, Dec 14, the editors of our fine publication found this in their mailbox. Not shocking since Cabelas donates a lot to the NRA. Needless to say that all sales are final.

Senator’s Son Helps Young Lady Obtain Face Lift

Washington, DC –  The young lady whose face was beaten in by her boyfriend outside a city bar has been identified as the girlfriend of  the son of Virginia Senator Jam Moron, aka, Moron Jr.

“At first I was horrified,” reported a first responder to the scene, where Moron Jr beat in the face of his girlfriend with the help of a metal trashcan. “She appeared to have a cracked skull and

Moron Jr looking like a douche

Moron Jr looking like a douche

a fractured orbital . . . I realized it was Moron Jr’s girlfriend! What a good guy, getting his girl a manadotry surgical face lift for the holidays.”

Moron’s Jr’s girl will likely start the new year with a whole new look, a new face. She won’t even recognize herself in the mirror. As for Senator Jam Moron, he modestly stated to the press that his boy and the young lady are “both good kids” rather than take any credit for raising such a gracious young man as Moron Jr.

This story is definitely a holiday tear jerker as it appears the sweet hero Moron Jr will be forced to plead guilty to minimal charges and take an even more minimal punishment. Just goes to show that no good action can go unpunished, and no bad action won’t receive reward, if you’re the son of a Senator.

Pope Opens New Sexting Account and Tweeting War

 

Pope Bendadick Stroking an Altar Pad

Pope Bendadick Stroking an Altar Pad

Pope Bendadick XVI’s office announced today that the papacy will be entering the youth filled forum of social media on Tweeter. “His Holiness excited to be able to touch so many young Catholics,” the Vatican stated. “There are so very many supple, young minds the Bendadick wants to touch.”

 Israel warmly welcomed the Pope to social media. Needless to say the Pope received a much warmer greeting than Hamas, to whom Israel issued a warning which Time magazine hails as the “first armed conflict that was declared via social media.”

Apparently Tweeter Wars aren’t just for annoying socialites any more.