Alexandria, VA – “It was like something out of a zombie movie,” reported Libby Eral from under the blankets on her couch. “They just kept slowly advancing, until I was
surrounded in the parking lot. They were like zombies, out to eat my brain and make it into themselves . . . “ Eral trailed off and hid under her blankets.
“These attacks appear to arise from an over stimulation of the sympathetic nervous system,” said Dr. Dependent. “The incredibly poor campaigns that the Republicans ran has caused their devotees to deteriorate into a hyper-epinephrine induced state of fight or flight, which is acted out by attacking nearest liberals with terms like ‘Baby Killers’ and phrases like ‘Why do you want Obama to take all my money?’ Making it evident that their ability for intelligent discourse has been disabled and therefore zombie-like in their behaviors.”
Eral’s experience reflected Dr. Dependent’s descriptions.
“My friend Bernard just kept saying women should be forced to prove it was rape to have an abortion, or get sewn shut,” Eral shuddered. “And that men giving men blow jobs is evil, and that 75% of the country was going to hell . . . It was so confusing. We has just left church. They circled me in the parking lot . . . doesn’t God decide who goes to hell? Does Bernard get texts from God? Is Bernard hallucinating texts from God?”
Dr. Dependent concurred that it was possible Bernard was hallucinating. “This panicked state of the Republican electorate resembles Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), which can cause visual and auditory hallucinations. Of course, Libby Eral’s behavior of hiding also suggests PTSD. The sharp political divide across the country makes it likely that soon at least 75% of the country will have PTSD, whether or not they do spend eternity in a pit of fire and brimstone.”
The doctor warned Democrats to be especially careful in churches, 12-step programs, or anywhere else that professes spirituality. “Since the base nature of spirituality is hope, and the Republicans have little currency in that department, conservatives tend to get extra vicious after being reminded of how hopeless the last election made their political goals,” he explained. He went on to recommend Green Party and Socialist Party members stay inside until House Speaker Boehner soothes the GOP with his tears.
When asked how he voted in the last presidential election, Dr Dependent replied, “Are you crazy? I have no desire to be a zombie or zombie food. I’m not fucking answering that.”