Monthly Archives: November 2012

Dylan Fans Beg Artist to Stop Exploiting Himself

Washington, DC – Song-master Bob Dylan graced the stage of the VerizonCenter last evening on his tour promoting his new album Tempest. Area fans remain grateful that only two songs from the new gravelly album were played, but their joy was overshadowed by concerns for the artist’s health.

“I mean, of course he sounded awful,” reported fan and audience member Avery Oldlady. “But when he let out a ‘HURR’ instead of ‘hair’ in Tangled up in Blue, I seriously thought he was going to die right in front of my grandchildren I dragged there with me.”

Many of the artist’s set left fans concerned throughout the show. A Hard Rain’s A-Gonna Fall was taken as a weather complaint. Highway 61 Revisitedwas heard as “Call

Bob Dylan Then and Now

Bob Dylan may find a successful second career in an anti-smoking campaign

911.”  The famous chorus of Ballad of a Thin Man (“Something is happening here, but you don’t know what it is”) was interpreted as geriatric confusion by the singer. “How does it feel?” in Like a Rolling Stone left audience members concerned the musician had lost feelings in an extremity, a thought further complicated by the right-leg lifting Dylan repeated like a disabled dancer, and feared their folk-rock hero was having a stroke.

“I mean, I am sure they took precautions and that all those talented, strapping young musician men around Bob knew CPR,” Avery stated. “But by the time we were applauding for an encore, I found myself calling out ‘We love you Dylan! But it’s ok if it’s nappy time!’ I mean, the guy has to retire sometime. We’re exploiting an old man.”

Others reported that although the band and singer rarely seemed to be playing the same tune, Dylan had some strong vocal moments like that in Blowin in the Wind, which was played in encore and made the audience suspect that motherfucker could sing the whole time. All present agreed that they hoped Bob Dylan continued to sing, perform and live forever.

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Crack-Heads Excited for DC School Closings

Washington, DC – The recent plan put forth by DC Public School Chancellor Kaya Henderson to close 20 public schools has found unprecedented support from the Real Union of Crack Kulture (RUCK), an international organization for crack enthusiasts.

“We of RUCK believe in the perseverance of abandoned buildings for the proliferation of crack culture,” stated Ichabod Scratch, RUCK spokesperson. “Abandoned buildings are

Marion Barry Crack Jokes Always Funny

No, Marion, you will never live it down

the cornerstone for the dissemination of our culture in the form of crack homes.”

When asked about concerns for the education of the future children of the District of Columbia Scratch responded “Can they use a lighter?”

Sudden Increase in Army Recruits

Posting the Post

Ok Punsters, we get it . . .

Washington, DC  – The U.S. Army reports a sudden upsurge in applicants for enlisted positions. This DC Paper  went on-location outside an area recruitment station to ask the recruits what ignited this new blaze of patriotism.

“I don’t know about the Patriots. I’m a Cowboysfan,” responded one newly enlisted gentleman Marty Pantz, 18. “But I know those generals get some ass! Even when they’re all

Perhaps a More Qualified Source

How has no one posted a pic of Petraeus as a porn star yet?

old’n’shit. That Betrayus dude, he’s like a Porn Star. Five of my buddy’s are signing up too! Word.”

When asked for comment, local recruiters requested that our reporters “Please go away.”  This same statement is yelled by This DC Paper’s  editors every time the recent sex scandal is again brought up as  a headline more important than the economy, which occurs every second of every day. Our editors desperately need throat lozenges.

 

Romney Supporters Responsible for Viscous Attacks

Alexandria, VA –  “It was like something out of a zombie movie,” reported Libby Eral from under the blankets on her couch. “They just kept slowly advancing, until I was

Zombie Campaign

Zombie Campaign

surrounded in the parking lot. They were like zombies, out to eat my brain and make it into themselves . . . “ Eral trailed off and hid under her blankets.

Libby Eral is a recent victim in a string of attacks by Romney supports on area Democrats, according to neuro-psychiatrist  Dr. I. N. Dependent, MD.

“These attacks appear to arise from an over stimulation of the sympathetic nervous system,” said Dr. Dependent. “The incredibly poor campaigns that the Republicans ran has caused their devotees to deteriorate into a hyper-epinephrine induced state of fight or flight, which is acted out by attacking nearest liberals with terms like ‘Baby Killers’ and phrases like ‘Why do you want Obama to take all my money?’ Making it evident that their ability for intelligent discourse has been disabled and therefore zombie-like in their behaviors.”

Eral’s experience reflected Dr. Dependent’s descriptions.

“My friend Bernard just kept saying women should be forced to prove it was rape to have an abortion, or get sewn shut,” Eral shuddered.  “And that men giving men blow jobs is evil, and that 75% of the country was going to hell . . . It was so confusing. We has just left church. They circled me in the parking lot . . . doesn’t God decide who goes to hell? Does Bernard get texts from God? Is Bernard hallucinating texts from God?”

Dr. Dependent concurred that it was possible Bernard was hallucinating. “This panicked state of the Republican electorate resembles Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), which can cause visual and auditory hallucinations. Of course, Libby Eral’s behavior of hiding also suggests PTSD. The sharp political divide across the country makes it likely that soon at least 75% of the country will have PTSD, whether or not they do spend eternity in a pit of fire and brimstone.”

Zombie Romney

Ground Zero for Zombie Romney Outbreak

The doctor warned Democrats to be especially careful in churches, 12-step programs, or anywhere else that professes spirituality. “Since the base nature of spirituality is hope, and the Republicans have little currency in that department, conservatives tend to get extra vicious after being reminded of how hopeless the last election made their political goals,” he explained. He went on to recommend Green Party and Socialist Party members stay inside until House Speaker Boehner soothes the GOP with his tears.

When asked how he voted in the last presidential election, Dr Dependent replied, “Are you crazy? I have no desire to be a zombie or zombie food. I’m not fucking answering that.”

Dull Election Results Spur Bipartisan Hollywood Hire

Washington, DC – The resolution of the 2012 presidential election prior to midnight on election day has resulted in bipartisan support of hiring a Hollywood director for 2016.

“The public has come to expect The Day After Tomorrow type panic from voting in the past three presidential elections,” reported famed campaign strategist/financer Don T Matterwhowins. “If we don’t provide that level of adrenalin rush, the donations will go down. The riches spent on advertising will decrease. The media stations will make less money. It will lead to an economic collapse of the entertainment industry.”

Prez Boo-Boo and VP Romney

This picture was disturbingly easy to find.

The lack of a volatile recount, doomsday prophecies, and a hostile take-over of a congressional majority has caused the price of advertising times in many media outlets to plummet. The negative impact this calm reelection of Obama has had on the economy is reflected in the stock market, with worse to possibly follow. Since one of the top exports of the United States is entertainment, some industry experts fear that the lack of commercial profit nationally could cause a vacuum in revenue that could collapse the thin, puffed up, dollars of Hollywood.

“Short of a miracle like Malia Obama getting pregnant with Boehner’s love child and labeling their offspring the antichrist, this election has been a total profit loss,” stated Matterwhowins. “Thank God for the marijuana and gay marriage. Those should keep a roof over my head until Honey Boo Boo is old enough to run for president.”

Concerns about the potential revenue loss for the entertainment industry has spurred an across the isle, bipartisan approach to the 2016

Blue Cat Obama

He’s hiding the Unobtainium! And the oil! And the birth certificate!

campaigns, Matterwhowins confirmed. James Cameron has been fingered as a possible plot-director for the future elections.

“Revenue would go through the roof if we could offer blue cat-people in 3-D. It is the American way, and could save our economy,” Matterwhowins said. “Cameron would be

great! We should all keep our eyes peeled for the previews.”

DC Area Election Results:

DC   VA   MD