Monthly Archives: September 2012

Pro-Islam Movie Incites No Acts of Kindness

HOLLYWOOD, Ca. – A new fictitious movie entitled Why the US Loves Islam has not received the Middle Eastern accolades it hoped for.

“We were hoping some Uncle Sam effigies would be marched around with people throwing flowers at them,” said director, writer and star in the film Chaim Weitz, “or at least some baklava delivered to the embassies, but nothing. We got nothing at all.”

Weitz was hoping to temper some of the violent reactions towards the low-budget anti-Islam film that sparked violent protests throughout the Middle East. “It appears that the Muslim extremist are only willing to be extremely violent, never extremely loving towards us,” Weitz stated.

Just like the Anti-Islam film, Why the US Loves Islam was poorly made and seen by no one in the United   States.

Almost Celebratory Uncle Sam Effigy

Almost Celebratory Uncle Sam Effigy

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Other Movie Themed Operations More Successful than Fast and Furious

WASHINGTON, DC – The Bureau of Tobacco Firearms and Explosives announced that although the Fast and Furious gun-tracking operation succeeded only in supplying firearms to criminals, other movie themed operations have been much more successful.

“Lethal Weapon, where we pair up good agents with bad agents and ignore their shenanigans from afar has been much more successful,” BATF official John Deere reported. “The only loss of life is within an acceptable collateral range of extra agents and female love-interests. The top-secret Die Hard operation has resulted in several building explosions, but out good guys always escape unscathed. “

Deere reported that the BATF believe that what went wrong with the Fast and Furious Operation is that the heroes in its namesake movie are criminals. “This obviously gave the bad guys an undo advantage,” Deere said.

Tea Party Suggest New Foreign Policy: Eradicate the Middle East

Michael Bachman

Michael Bachman Geting Christian with a Flower

Amid the political jousting of the presidential nominees over recent Middles Eastern anti-American protests, a Tea Party spokesperson suggested that eradicating the Middle East as a possible solution.

“First, we evacuate the good guys, the A-mure-i-kans,” said spokesperson Michael Bachman, “then we just nuke the whole joint and let the Jews move in and fill in the crater with their Jew gold. Bam! Problem solved.”

Michael Bachman, who reported he considers himself the most Christian among Christian men, said this would action would be a very Christian thing to do because it would facilitate the coming of the rapture.

“We get the Arabs out, get sucked up into heaven, and then the Jews can stay behind polishing their gold with the demons and what-not. It’s a solid plan.”

Bachman expressed concerns the Tea Party has that a Mormon President could due such a Christian act, but added that it was more likely to occur with a Mormon President would than a Muslim one.

Redskins Ignore Rumors that RG III is a Robot

NEW   ORLEANS – Reports of Robert Griffin III actually being an android have been adamantly denied by the Redskins camp. Rumors about the source of his mechanical methods began stirring during preseason when an anonymous source contacted the NFL with concerns that RG III requested a locker near an electrical outlet and was fond of motor oil. The source again contacted This DC Paper after RG III threw an 88 yard pass for his first official NFL score.

 “I mean doesn’t that seem pre-programmed or something?” This DC Paper’s source queried over pork rinds. “Doesn’t he just seem like an upgrade from Rex Grossman III? Like they rewired him and painted him black?”

 The NFL has no official policy against androids playing. The Redskins declined to comment.

 

Elves Support Romney

Is this elf Republican??During the lag time between the Republican and Democratic National conventions, the Elf Union of the North Pole announced their support of Mitt Romney for president. Spokeself Ben T. Oymakin presented the reasoning of the ice-cap’s largest and only influential union in a statement to the press:

“The EUNP supports the GOP and their support of the coal mining industry. Without coal, there would be a shortage of what to give bad children at Christmas. Given the fact that most of the world’s children are bad, this shortage would lead to elves having to mine the coal. Mining coal looks like a horrible job. Therefore, if Obama is re-elected then we shall strike and the Democrats will have ruined Christmas.”

Inquires from This DC Paper to EUNP regarding the fact that the North Pole is not a part of the United States was not responded to.

Occupy North Pole

Area Businesses Afffected By Elf Strike:

Christmas Attic

Creepy Santas

Presidential Canidate